Monday, December 24, 2007

Happy Holidays from the Jaded Viewer

Happy Holidays from jadedviewer.com.

I've got 2 gifts for all you jaded viewers out there. 2 magnificent kick ass trailers. One for Machine Girl and the other for Mirage Man. Both are foreign flicks that will probably be super mega duper in 2008.

Mirgage Man





Why do you think we here at jadedviewer think Mirage Man will kick ass?
He's seen 2 Girls 1 Cup....that's fuckin why. Classic viral shit.



He also kicks Barney's ass. Thank you Mirage Man.


Machine Girl

Machine Girl is Japan's answer to Kill Bill and Evil Dead combined.





Finally, I'm compiling my Top 10 Horror/Underground/Cult movies of 2007. It'll be a countdown to the best of what you probably never saw this year.

Happy Holidays!!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Michael Haneke's Funny Games US Remake Trailer

Here is the trailer for Michael Haneke's Funny Games US Remake.
It stars Naomi Watts and Tim Roth.

I've seen the original German version and it is unbelievably awesome.

According to Haneke, this is a shot by shot remake of his original.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Steve's Movie Review Of The Day: J-Horror Edition

I know it's been a while since I've updated. But I've been watching a lot of horror and now I soon will have many more reviews to post.

So for now I present to you some classic Insano Steve reviews (J-Horror edition)!

Inugami

Inugami (2001)

Directed by Masato Harada

Rural Japanese village is haunted by ancient spirits of evil which are essentially a scapegoat for all the shit that goes wrong in town. Lady goes through mysterious reverse aging process when she hooks up with new stranger in town. She wishes to leave God-forsaken village but finds it difficult when she realizes she's the cause of a large majority of the haunting.

Very stylistically shot film doesn't have much gore but does have good ole Oedipus Complex (sex with mother for the uninitiated). Movie won various awards whose names escape me at this time.

Kakashi

Kakashi (2001)


Directed by Norio Tsuruta

Pretty girl looks for her brother who has become missing. She ends up in a cursed Japanese village which holds scarecrows in high regard. Here, the dead can be resurrected but only in scarecrow form, where they are pretty much the same, only evil. Girl must find brother before he becomes a scarecrow.

This village is probably near the fucked up town in Inugami. If you go to Japan, you'd probably be best advised to stay in the cities.

Pyrokinesis AKA Crossfire AKA Kurosufaia

Pyrokinesis (2000)


Directed by Shusuke Kaneko

Japanese version of Fire Starter, only way better. Another pretty Japanese girl (there are no ugly Japanese girls or if there are, they don't do anything worth making a movie for) is blessed/cursed with power to start fires with her mind. After a friend is killed in a snuff film, she unleashes her revenge pyrokinetically and combusts some ass.

Great scenes of human combustion. You'd swear somebody was killed filming this. The next time a Japanese girl puts her hand in her jacket and squints at you, get the hell out of the way. From the makers of the recent Godzilla movies in Japan. Recommended.

Tomie

Tomie (1999)


Directed by Ataru Oikawa

If The Ring was the Japanese 'Scream', then this is the Japanese 'Urban Legend'. Underrated flick features title character being continuously murdered then subsequently resurrected. Apparently, girl is so hot, she'll cause guys to kill each other, themselves and/or her. This has been happening over and over for hundreds of years. One really has to bring into question the Japanese ability to solve murders when you hear that. Wildy ambiguous ending!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

After Dark Horrorfest 2008

After Dark Horrorfest 2008 is taking place this week.

These may be overhyped and glorified Sci-Fi Channel movies but they are all intriguing.

Bloody Disgusting has reviewed all of them (not very positive)

The list is below.

1.) The Deaths of Ian Stone
2.) Nightmare Man
3.) Crazy Eights
4.) Unearthed
5.) Borderland
6.) Mulberry Street
7.) Tooth and Nail
8.) Lake Dead

Fear.net Buried Alive

Fear.net has created an online game that is part Saw part mystery. Seems like they are putting a twist in the torture porn motif. Check it out.




Buried Alive centers around a handful of 20-somethings, each unwillingly encased in a custom-made coffin. Trapped in this underground world that is ruled by a maniacal antagonist, the group must discover the connections between themselves; the reasons for their abductions; and, with luck, an escape from the nightmare. Aiding the group above ground are two sleuths, siblings Melanie and Travis, each with a secret stake tied to the victims' fates. The detectives--and the viewers of BURIED ALIVE--can piece together information gleaned from found footage and online diaries hidden on the Web, in the ultimate race against time to unravel the mystery and discover the locations of the buried coffins before time runs out. This innovative daily series will feature a new two-minute episode premiering each morning at 10:00 AM EST--so check daily for new clues.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Insano Steve's Review of the Day: Der Todesking

Insano Steve wanted to chime in on the Buttgereit week festivities so we conclude Jorg Buttgereit week with his review of Der Todesking.

Der Todesking
Der Todesking (1990)

Der Todesking (the Death King) is Jorg's more ambitious artsy suicide movie.

Does Jorg pull it off? Is he skilled enough?

Um, no. You gotta admire the effort though. Movie is broken up into 7 days/episodes (which you know he got the idea from another movie from a better director). In between the days, there's imagery of a corpse slowly decomposing. You can just picture Jorg yelling at his videographer (uh, himself), "More death! More art! Perfect!". Let's see what a typical week in Germany's like:

Monday

A man comes home, phones his boss to resign from his job, writes mysterious letters, cleans his apartment and swallows poison in his bathtub. His death is simultaneous with the death of his fish, the only being that was close to him.

Yeah, this is like a typical Monday for me too. Except I don't have any fish. And I usually take my poison while watching TV. Germany is a miserable country.

Tuesday

A man rents a film in a video store, a movie in which Nazi soldiers are torturing a prisoner in a concentration camp, castrating him and painting a swastika on his breast. When the young man's girlfriend comes home, she yells at him until he kills her with a gun. This whole episode is being shown on a TV screen in a room where somebody has been hanged.

Alright, some Nazi death footage! Are all Germans Nazis in 2007? Who knows. But, I watch movies to reinforce my stereotypes (and maybe make some new ones), thank you. Jorg's vision for Tuesday: "Man watching video of man watching video. Everybody dies".

Wednesday

A man and a girl meet in a park in the pouring rain. The man tells the girl about his disastrous sex life with his wife which led to him killing her. The girl pulls out a gun to kill him, but the man takes it from her and blows his brains out.

Yeah, Wednesdays do tend to suck. Top death of the week. Bullet in the brain. Jorg can still bring it strong when he wants to.

Thursday

A motorway bridge somewhere in Germany, superimposed by the names, ages and occupations of the people who have jumped from it.

Jorg got kinda lazy here. No action. Just names of people who jumped off some bridge in Germany. Is there a message here? Jorg? You there? Are you sure you're good enough to make stuff like this? Show some poor bastards jumping off the bridge next time.

Friday

A woman, alone in her apartment, is observing a young, seemingly happy couple in the neighbourhood. She spies on them and finds a chain letter in front of her door, urging her to kill herself. Obviously everybody in the house got the letter. She ignores it, eats chocolates and falls asleep, dreaming of surprising her parents when they make love. The camera shows the young couple, dead on their bed.

This was probably the weakest day (at least Thursday was short). Kinda like one of those Japanese WTF horror movies. You keep waiting for something to happen. I remember thinking "Yo, Jorg, it's been 10 minutes, nobody's dead yet, let's go". Then the couple's dead w/o a death scene. Girl eats chocolate. What the fuck???.

Saturday

A young woman, equipped with a camera and a gun, kills several people in the audience of a rock concert and records it on film, until someone kills her.

Saturday night out in Germany. This was on the trailer for the movie, and what made this a must-rental. Some girl completely shoots up a Euro-trash rock club. Jorg puts the camera in POV of the girl. No reason is given for the killing spree. Random German extras getting shot dead. Some of Jorg's best work. Even funnier than it sounds.

Sunday

A man, alone on his bed, is crying and banging his head over and over violently against the wall until he dies.

Just like my Sundays watching the New York Jets play.


Rating:

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

It's Jorg Buttgereit Week! Schramm (Review)

Schramm
Schramm (1993)

Directed by Jorg Buttgereit

If Buttgereit were still making movies today, horror sites would be clamoring for Jorg to make a serial killer movie. Well, we're glad he did. Way back in 93. And oh my, it's one hell of a sick movie.

The thing about Buttgereit is that to understand the madness of his films is to dig deep into the psychosis of insanity itself.

Wow that sounds all Freudian. But alas after watching Schramm, you'll know why they don't make horror movies like they use to.

It's nitty, it's gritty and the violence and splatter are all top notch.

Enter the psyche that is Lothar Schramm (who looks like a German George Costanza) . The movie begins with his death and through a series of flashbacks, we see that he went all serial killy before he kicked the bucket.

I can't exactly remember everything that happened in this movie but the only scene that keeps popping into my head is "NAIL IN PENIS".

Yup. Schramm hammers a nail into his penis. After seeing that for the first time, I actually said to myself: "I've never seen somebody hammer nails into his penis".

I'm shivering just thinking about it.

So let's discuss the plot-o-rama shall we? As we travel back into the mind of our serial killer, we discover Schramm is a cab driver who is totally mental. Shockingly, he makes serial killing not as cool as Dexter makes it out to be. After meeting some religious missionaries, Schramm shows us his killing ways.

See Schramm kill! (with extra spanish punk rock soundtrack)




I particularly like the ocular trauma. So graphic, so realistic. Kudos Jorg!

Schramm slowly devolves into a black whole of depravity. He meets a hooker (Monika M from Nekro 2) named Marianne who he has an attraction to. Schramm accompanies Marianne on a few of her "jobs" but as Schramm slowly realizes she's indifferent to him and his feelings. To combat this he fucks an inflatable doll and later then drugs her and masturbates on her corpse..oops...err I mean unconcious body.

Alas this is the life of Schramm. He is sick, crazy and totally depraved. Jorg obviously is reminding us that the mind of a serial killer is not easy to understand. Schramm dabbles in normaly but is a millenia away from it at the same time. Schramm is so brutally realistic, so shamelessly wicked, it's the pinnacle of all serial killer movies (with Henry: Portait of a Serial Killer being the other).

Buttgereit's visuals are all random but edgy and jam packed with disturbing gooeyness. Various Scrammy dreams contain his leg being severed in leg splitting beauty, leg braces, dentist ocular trauma, a homeless man committing gun suicide with a bullet to the brain and a VAGINA WITH YELLOW TEETH. Yes, my jaded viewers, a hairy VAGINA WITH SMOKER'S TEETH. Though all this added up to a movie that went way beyond my expectations, it's three words that can never be erased from my memory.

NAIL IN PENIS.

Thanks alot Jorg.

The Trailer:






Rating:


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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

It's Jorg Buttgereit Week! Nekromantik 2 (Review)

Nekromantik 2
Nekromantik 2 (1991)

Directed by Jorg Buttgereit

The inevitable sequel is always determined if its better than the original. In the case of Nekromantik, it kinda is.

Buttgereit (still in classic art house mode) wiggles in David Lynchian imagery, classical music and corpse fucking.

And he does it so damn well.

The movie begins with the ending of the 1st movie in all its climactic, volcano glory.




The story (or lack therof) introduces Monika, a Rob loving necro herself who digs up poor Rob (our sick and depraved hero from part 1) and lets it be known that all Germans are into this sort of stuff.

Mind you, you'd think that riggo mortus would be an issue but logistics be damned!

Monika (played by Monika M. how original!) takes a bath with Rob (sorta like Bert and Ernie in those rub a dub tub scenes and only if Ernie was a rotting corpse and we all know Bert is evil)

She cuts off Rob's penis and stuffs it into the fridge (you make the joke).

Then Monika meets Mark (who voices pornos) and he discovers Monika's hobbies are little offbeat. But Monika is determined to make things work in her twisted world and in the shocking ending, we see her devious plan come to fruition.

The ending alone is by far the most clever yet perverted sickest shit I've ever seen. And as you may or may not want to know, let's spoil it for you nevertheless.

How do you solve your corpse fucking problem and your love of alivey flesh?

Well...


As Monika's ruse unfolds, she and Mark get down and dirty but alas poor Mark has no idea what's in store. Monika hacksaws his head most grusomely and replaces it with Rob.

What better way to get best of both worlds. Alas her dilemma is solved and for the audience, gore and sexhounds rejoice.

Nekromantik 2 goes on a whole new direction this time. Buttgereit doesn't go for shock value (well yeah he does but in its in his nature you know?). This time around, Jorg goes for what the title is all about. NEKRO + ROMANTIK. Get it?

Monika's love for both the stiff corpse that is Rob and the satisfaction of sexual desire is perfectly molded into one during the climatic final scene.

So let's just get this straight here. It's one fucked up movie. Buttgereit dresses part 2 in his sick blood spurting, seal dissecting package but at the end of the day, its still a movie about fucking a corpse.

The FX are still top notch (for its day) and Rob's sickly, greenish vomit inducing corpse is the star. Buttgereit giddyups into territory nobody else goes to and his sequel delivers the goods.

Nekromantik 2 is splatter-necro-core at its best. And for Buttgereit, the fact that he single handidly created a new sub sub genre, deserves around a round of decomposing applause.




Rating:



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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

It's Jorg Buttgereit Week! Der Todesking (Review)


Der Todesking

Der Todesking (1990)

Directed by Jorg Buttgereit

Jorg Buttgereit week continues. In this installment, we bring you the review of Der Todesing (aka The Death King).

IMDB Plot Vault:

Seven episodes, each taking place on a different day of the week, on the theme of suicide and violent death.

Yup. Suicide and death. That's it in a nutshell.

This is one of the better Jorg movies as it done so cleanly and though filled with violent imagery and sick and twisted scenes of suicide, it's slickly metaphoric about the graphic subject matter it's showing.

As mentioned, each day of the week shows a suicide and death and the precursor or aftermath of each. Let's go through each of them shall we?

Courtesy of Wikipedia.

Monday

A man comes home, phones his boss to resign from his job, writes mysterious letters, cleans his apartment and swallows poison in his bathtub. His death is simultaneous with the death of his fish, the only being that was close to him.

Clip from Monday episode:





Tuesday

A man rents a film in a video store, a movie in which Nazi soldiers are torturing a prisoner in a concentration camp, castrating him and painting a swastika on his breast. When the young man's girlfriend comes home, she yells at him until he kills her with a gun. This whole episode is being shown on a TV screen in a room where somebody has been hanged.

Wednesday

A man and a girl meet in a park in the pouring rain. The man tells the girl about his disastrous sex life with his wife which led to him killing her. The girl pulls out a gun to kill him, but the man takes it from her and blows his brains out.

Thursday

A motorway bridge somewhere in Germany, superimposed by the names, ages and occupations of the people who have jumped from it.

Friday

A woman, alone in her apartment, is observing a young, seemingly happy couple in the neighbourhood. She spies on them and finds a chain letter in front of her door, urging her to kill herself. Obviously everybody in the house got the letter. She ignores it, eats chocolates and falls asleep, dreaming of surprising her parents when they make love. The camera shows the young couple, dead on their bed.

Saturday

A young woman, equipped with a camera and a gun, kills several people in the audience of a rock concert (the front man is played by Die Ärzte-drummer Bela B.) and records it on film, until someone kills her.

Sunday

A man, alone on his bed, is crying and banging his head over and over violently against the wall until he dies.

The episodes are interspaced with sequences showing a corpse in the cumulative state of decay.

This time around Jorg shows us suicide in all its graphic yet docu-style glory.

Monday is the typical suicide, depressed man nothing to live for. His fish is his only friend.

Tuesday's is the anger suicide, with a twist I didn't see coming. (look for Jorg's other movies in the video store scene)

Wednesday's is the revenge suicide. (total sick slo-mo bullet in the brain)

Thursday is the mass suicide. (crazy theatre style executions)

Friday's is the unknown suicide.

Saturday is the public suicide and Sunday is the crazy suicide.

Got all that?

Buttgereit's facets on death are eerily striking. The scenes are graphic and unrelenting. Jorg shows us death in it's natural state. He does not tell us why these indivuduals have commited suicide or murder. Motives are not known. Der Todesking is about the natural act of commiting suicide. The taboo of suicide is never discused in film. At times its romanticized and made Hollywood-ish in subject mater. Buttgereit's days of the week approach to story telling as a rotting corpse decomposes is metaphoric of time's arrow of death.

Each suicide is an example of reasons unknown, of death in its most purest state and taking the bird eye's perspective.

Der Todesking is a hard movie to watch as compared to hmmm let's say Nekromantik? But it's impact is so mersmerizing that after watching it, you'll feel a little part of you has died.

Rating:

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Monday, October 29, 2007

It's Jorg Buttgereit Week! Nekromantik (Review)

Nekromantik
Nekromantik (1987)

Directed by Jorg Buttgereit

**Warning: Some of this film may be seen as grossly offensive and should not be shown to minors!!!**

-from the trailer of "Nekromantik"

"DEATH IS JUST THE BEGINNING"

I remember vividly when my friend and I decided to irrevocably change the way we watch horror movies. As we were super splatter-philes already, we decided to take the plunge into the world of sick and twisted underground horror.

We knew what the movie was about. Sick, perverted necrophilia. But it's reputation was undisputed. It was banned in many countries, even it's own. It's director was German and was being arrested for indecent content for showing it in various German film festivals.

So in the late 90's, after many months of hype among the both of us we went to a seemingly innocent Queens video store and there lay Nekromantik. It's box cover slightly deterioriated. The images in the back of the box very disturbing. The plot summary vague and overhyped. We quickly brought the box to the counter and rented the damn thing. In it's VHS glory (not rewound) it was ready for viewing.

Holy fuckin shit.

Plot summary: (from your IMDB super store)

A street sweeper who cleans up after grisly accidents brings home a full corpse for him and his wife to enjoy sexually, but is dismayed to see that his wife prefers the corpse over him

Yeah. If you can call that a plot. The thing about Nekoromantik is that it's filmed so grainy and staticky (thank's to Jorg's Super 8) you swear you were watching this at one of the old grindhouses in Times Square. And that's why this was the #1 bootlegged film of all time (according to various sources I made up).

The opening scene catapults you into glorious splatter as our man Rob, cleans up after a grisly car accident between some oversexed Germans. He brings the eyes of the corpse home to his wife Betty and we get to enjoy their lovely oh so lovely necrophilia fetish (that's fucking dead bodies). It seems Rob loves collecting body parts (I mean who doesn't?)

Later, some dude who is picking apples (?) is killed and his body is dumped in a lake which leads to Joe's Streetcleaning Agency picking up the corpse. Rob decides that a whole corpse is just what's needed for his entire collection.

The pinnacle scene involves Rob, Betty and Mr. Corpse enjoying the most twisted threeway you've ever seen.


Jorg films this all artsy farsty avante garde Fellini-ish cinema. He intertwines random styilized shots, then shows us some sick perverted corpse fucking. The piano music is all mellow, classical and somewhat mesmerizing. You fall into a trance while watching Betty prop up a a broom handle where the corpse's johnson was and then put a condom on it.

Yeah I know. I can't believe I just wrote that too.

It's as sick as advertised. Later, Rob loses his job and Betty leaves him and takes the corpse with her. Rob's psychosis and depression leads to murder, which leads to rape, which then leads to...well you get the picture.

The final scene finds Rob, totally distraught and looking to fulfill the void left by his wife and his need that is corpse fucking. The climax (pun sooooooo intentionally intended) is outright shocking.

So wtf, see it below.







If you somehow got through that, mucho kudos. Nekromantik is by far Jorg's best movie. He's got themes in it (some critics even say its about the AIDS epidemic), but you really shouldn't be trying to concern yourself with that, I mean seriously.

After viewing it for the first time back then, it did what it intended to do. Shock and Awe. 80 minutes of sick, disturbed imagery and the subject matter nobody dares talk about.

Added listlessly are scenes of a rabbit being skinned (for real!), decapitations, blood soaked baths, wrist cutting and lack of dialogue.

It's to be seen to be believed.

Jorg Buttgereit's Nekromantik is the apex of where all movies about necrophilia splatter flicks are judged (I mean the only other movie in this category is its freakin sequel)

It's so sick and twisted you feel ashamed to have watched it. But never has a movie made me spew out (pun again sooooo totally intended) such vile and happiness. The fact that it warranted a sequel says it all.

The Trailer:






Rating:


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Monday, October 15, 2007

Review of the Day: Captivity

You really have to think twice when you decide to watch a horror movie where the lead actress is soooo hot you'll see her in anything. Of course you'd like to see her naked, covered in blood or screaming in pain. Or doing something sexually deviant or psychotic or violent.

But if you do watch a movie because of this reason, you have a severe case of "Dark Angel Syndrome".

(Dark Angel Syndrome: Watching any particular form of entertainment (movie, tv show, etc.) because the hotness of lead actress outweighs the horrible plot, bad acting and totally shitty experience of the show. )

Well I've got a severe case of DAS because I watched both Captivity and Rise: Blood Hunter (which I'll review this week) back to back. And all I know is my head is spinning from the after effects of seeing these turds.

So on to the review!

Captivity
Captivity (2007)
Directed by Roland Joffe

Elisha Cuthbert is freakin hot. Her blondness. Her full figuredness. Her voloptuousness. Her breastedness. Her blue eyes-ness. Her Canadianess. Super hot.

OK now that I got that out of my system.

Regurgitated plot is about a super model and stranger are abducted by an unknown serial killer and are held captive where sadistic games are played on the both of them.

Of course its rippin off Saw but Saw didn't have a hot actress screaming in every scene and crying in pain for almost the entire movie (hmm actually all the Saw movies did...never mind).

Torture-core has been secretly embedding its way into mainstream horror but its 15 minutes are up. But that's not to say that the sub sub genre doesn't have merit. Captivity was utter garbage. Cuthbert's overacting, the lack of tortureific devices was non existent and the twist ending was sooo predictable a 3rd grader could have figured it out.

Of course I watched recut edition that seems devoid of any gore or torture. But it would have all been the same anyway.

Cuthbert is waaay hot but no way does it save the movie.

If you want to watch torture-core in its finest and purest form, you need only see a few movies on a short short (midget-ish) list.

August Underground (Original, Mordum and Penance) and Murder Set Pieces.

All of them are sadistic, sick and twisted. Worst than Saw, worst than anything known on the planet. And thoughts spew out just thinking of the sick shit that's in these torture-core masterpieces. (I'll share them on a later date)

But if you need your Elisha fix and need to see a innocent woman tortured, then Captivity is your bag.

I mean look at her: How could I not suffer DAS on this.

Rating:


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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The Consolation Prizes of American Horror

So as we wrap up 2007, Hollywood is churning out some horror that may or may not be worth 2 shits. Below is a list of some either gems or turds with extra corn.

1.) 30 Days of Night

The Blah Blah Blah:


Vampires in Alaska. Did I just write that?




2.) Saw IV


The Blah Blah Blah:


Is Jigsaw the new Chucky? Seems like it after the 4th effin sequel.


3.) The Signal

The Blah Blah Blah:

Cell phones make people go insane. That happens everyday in NYC.

4.) P2

The Blah Blah Blah:

More torture-core? Please stop. I mean I'm one Captivity away from torturing some innocent woman.

5.) The Mist

The Blah Blah Blah:

When weather becomes the unstoppable evil, I feel like they're not even trying anymore.

That's all theatrical for now. I left off release dates because I mean all of the above makes me want to have Hatchet face slice me open.

There are a few straight to DVDers that peaked my interest.

Wrong Turn 2 (ooooooooooh)

Return to House on Haunted Hill (with their gimmicky "You Choose their fate" function)

Black Sheep

...and countless others. I think it's time I rejoin Netflix.

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Review of the Day: Hatchet

Hatchet

Hatchet (2006)
Directed by Adam Green

Old School American Horror. Motherfucker.

What makes a good, fun slasher movie? Below is a list of what we here at jadedviewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Hatchet achieve everything on this list?

1.) A mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher.

Check.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (and seeing the boobies of a former Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast member)?

Check.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check.

4.) No Plot.

Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem

Check.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Check.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check.

9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check.

10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Check.

Hatchet is 80 minutes of the most fun I've had in a theatre. I had to scour NYC to find the one theatre it was playing at. Some of the jokes were kinda lame but the characters were throwbacks: geeky leader, token black guy (who plays the token black guy to perfection), bimbos with the idiotic director, Floridian elderly touristy couple, hot looking local and the asian (or not so asian) tour captain.

And the throwbacks made me all nostalgiky. Our man, Hatchet head is by far the most solid slasher to come along in ages. He's not a mysterious, conjured up evil or a pissed off fisherman, nor is he two teenage horror buffs.

He's a deformed, inbred redneck with a big hatchet scar. His had put a hatchet in his fuckin head. That's a awesome slasher.

Hatchet is great fun. It won't change your life, but when has seeing gore and titties at the same time made you think of changing the way you live. Right?

Rating:

Sunday, September 16, 2007

jadedviewer.com's rating system

I wanted to explain our rating system so going forward everybody good get a clear understanding of what we think is good and what is utter shit.

As I am a big fan of Jean Claude Van Damme, (even his shitty straight to DVD movies) the rating system is based on Van Damme spin kicks.



The Van Damme spin kick, first seen in the movie BloodSport is lethal and a most potent weapon (other than the infamous Dim-Mak) in the arsenal of Frank Dux. In the course of the final match between Frank Dux and Chong Li, Dux connects on 4 spinkicks to finish off Chong Li. Though, he makes Chong Li say "Uncle" and wins the Kumite via submission, it's the spin kick that enables Dux to get the win.

So our rating system is born.

Below you will find what each rating means.


4 Spin kicks

Rating:





If we give a movie 4 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is beyond awesome. It beckons the good horror of old. It's STRONGLY, HIGHLY recommended. It's so good, you wanna slap your momma. It's totally kick ass with an extra side of whoopass. It makes you want to blow some shit up. This is the movie than will change your life. It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life. After watching this movie, you've been spinkicked into a submission of awesomness.



3 Spin kicks

Rating:




If we give a movie 3 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is awesome. It's recommended but not too highly. It's so good, you wanna slap your pappa. It's totally kick ass without the extra side. It makes you want to blow some shit up (but in a controlled environment). This is the movie than will change your life (for about a good month). It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life (then apply for another job). After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into an awesome euphoria (sorta like if you were on schrooms).


2 Spin kicks


Rating:




If we give a movie 2 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is ok. It's recommended but I would think twice about whether you should see this movie or pay your rent. It's good, you wanna slap your sista. It's kick ass but it might be you who's ass gets kicked. It makes you want to blow some shit up (possibly your neighbor's mailbox). This is the movie that WILL NOT change your life. You might as well have spent some money on some Ramen or a slice of pizza. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into reality in 2 hours (or 80 min depending on the running time).


1Spinkick

Rating:




If we give a movie 1 spin kick, it basically means this movie is utter shit. It's NOT recommended at all and you should start an internet petition for others to not see this piece of garabge either. It's so bad, you wanna slap your self for seeing it. It's doesn't kick ass and you should kick your own ass for watching this vile piece of celluloid. It makes you want to blow yourself up (and possibly even gouge your eyes out so you will never have to watch movies again). This is the movie that will make you vomit for a full hour. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into watching chick flicks.

0 Spinkicks

If we give a movie 0 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is completely utter shit and I will hunt down the director and skull fuck him. After seeing this movie, suicide is taken under serious consideration. The movie might make you jump off a bridge. After watching this movie, death should be highly considered.

I hope this rating system is helpful for all going forward. If you have any suggestions, please use the comments below to chime in.

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Sunday, September 09, 2007

Review of the Day: Halloween (Rob Zombie Remake)

Halloween

Halloween (2007)
Directed by Rob Zombie

I don't know why Zombie thought he could attempt to remake Halloween. It's just going to fuel the naysayers who love to add fuel to the fire American horror is dead. And though I loved the Devil's Rejects, this piece of floating turd should be flushed down the nearest toilet.

The thing about this movie is that the aura of Michael Myers is his ambiguity. All Loomis tells us from Carpenter's version is he is pure evil. That's enough to go by. He killed his sister, some of the asylum staff and he wants to murder his sister. His backstory is wrapped up. He is evil. That's all we gotta know.

Seeing Michael Myers and his fucked up childhood is liking seeing a Lifetime TV movie. Stripper mom, alcoholic stepfather, sexpot sister and innocent little baby "Boo". Are we suppose to debate Michael's surroundings and environment made him evil?

I don't fuckin care.

What I care about his my potential heroine being helpless and weak but through the chase and survival of a torturous night, becomes strong and brave. I care about her friends who will be filled with teenage angst and sexual desires, then will be killed meticulously by our ingenious slasher.

Myers is smart. He's strong. He's focused. And he's fuckin mute. Hearing Myers speak is like Jason Voorhees cracking Freddy Kreuger jokes. Mute means mute. He doesn't say a damn word. Not as a kid. Not ever.

I'm not going to bore you with the plot, the gore and the endless cameos by the Zombie regulars. What I wanted from Zombie was to take Halloween and make it his own. He took most of the elements from Carpenter and just colored them differently.

Even Laurie Strode, our heroine is somebody you wouldn't even want to hang out with. She never knew why she was being stalked. The whole boogeyman angle was never fully developed. The kids were waaaaaay too smart and tried to hammer down the boogeyman thing into our collective conciousness.

Myers is the boogeyman. But we'd never know it from this flick. He is suppose to be the embodiment of little children's nightmares. And what Carpenter does well is make the boogeyman real to not just the kids Laurie is babysitting, but to her and her friends.

In Zombie's version, you never get that feeling. We know too much of Myers. The mystery is gone. His eventual demise doesn't initiate a Tiger Woods fist pump but a smack in the forehead.

This is not a very good film. And sometimes I think American horror is dead. But then I watch the original and I have hope.

Watch Carpenter's version and you'll see why Halloween is the best slasher movie of all time.


Rating:


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